For my Christmas blog, here are a few assorted jokes. They are mostly but not all science- or maths-related. My favourites are the ones that hint at existential angst. (For any that look a bit blurred, click for a sharper image.)







From a book shop with a sense of humour:



Physics jokes


Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks:
Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop at this train?

Police officer: Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.

energy = milk * coffee^2

Entropy: it isn’t what it used to be.

“I’ve lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

I was reading this book on anti gravity. It was difficult to put down.








Maths jokes (some from Paul Doherty)


What is the volume of a pizza of depth “a” and radius “z”?

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limit.”

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… eh? Hang on …







General science jokes


Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

Pavlov is sitting in a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!”

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says
“Do you all want something to drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes.”

The logician has a new baby, his parents ask excitedly:
“So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies: “yes”.

“Oxygen and potassium went on a date.”
“How did it go?”



And finally:



Happy Christmas!

P.S. there is another collection of science jokes (Christmas 2015) here.