For a little Christmas fun, here is a third collection of jokes with a sciencey flavour. Click to enlarge the pictures.

 

What is the definition of a tachyon?
—It’s a gluon that’s not completely dry.

 

Doctor, doctor I’ve come out in spots, like cherries on a cake.
—Ah! You must have analogy.

A square and a circle go into a pub. The square says to the circle, “Your round.”

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A farmer buys a talking sheepdog and decides to test him.
“Go into that field and count the sheep,” he says.
The dog comes back ten minutes later.
“Forty sheep,” he says.
“You’re not so clever,” says the farmer. “There are only thirty-eight.”
“I know that, but I’m a sheepdog. I rounded them up.”

 

In what body of water is it important to know exactly where you are?
—The specific ocean.

 

First boat-keeper: “Come in number nine, your time is up!”
Second boat-keeper: “Hang on, we’ve only got eight boats!”
First boat-keep: “Number six, are you in trouble?”
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stopandthink

A woman was out one winter morning when she received a text from her husband at home.
“Windows frozen, what shall I do?”
She texted back, “Pour hot water over.”
Five minutes later she receives another text:
“Tried hot water. Now computer not working at all.”

 

Teacher: “Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.”

 

What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
—Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white,  while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

 

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Parents spend about 500 hours changing each of their child’s nappies. Of this, Mums spend 450 hours and Dads 50. So this proves that Dads are more efficient than Mums …

 

Two mathematicians had been struggling to work out the height of a long pole leaning against a wall. Eventually an engineer came by and offered to help. He took hold of the pole, lay it on the ground and measured it with a tape. “Typical engineer,” said the mathematicians. “We wanted the height and he gave us the length.”

 

A pair of balloonists were shocked when, in a strong wind, their map blew away and the balloon was blown high over the hills. Eventually they descended low enough to shout to a man they saw below. “Where are we?” they cried.
“In a balloon,” came the reply.
One turns to the other and says, “Ah, I thought so: logical but unsympathetic—we’re in silicon valley.”

 

Teacher: “What can you tell me about probability, Johnny?”
“My dad’s taught me all about it, miss. He says, if there’s a fifty-fifty chance of something going wrong, then nine times out of ten, it will.”

 

What happened to the man who was arrested for stealing milk, vanilla essence and cornflour?
—He was remanded in custardy.

 

First teacher: “The standard of maths in this school is appalling!”
Second teacher: “I know! Half my class can’t add up, half can’t multiply, and the other half don’t know a thing about fractions!”

 

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And finally:

Why shouldn’t you invite Darth Vader at Christmas?
Because he will feel your presents.

Why do computer scientists get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31